I’ve determined that my current program needs some changes. I’m going to get a new sponsor. I have fallen out of touch with my current sponsor, plus he’s not the right match for me anyway.
I need to get back to regular therapy. I still have a lot of unresolved issues stemming from my upbringing and genetic makeup. No matter how much success I have or material goods I obtain, I have this hole in my soul or something that I need to fill with reward and recognition. The two mottos I most remember most in my household growing up was my dad’s “We don’t play to win, we play for blood” and my mom’s “Just get over it.” So that’s what I did. I was an assassin who killed and maimed the competition while simultaneously burying inside all negative feelings and emotions. Instead of killing the enemy, it turned on me, and I wound up destroying myself. I need to find some type of peace within my inner soul so I don’t feel the need to dull the pain.
I checked out a Smart Recovery meeting on Monday night, and I really liked it. It reminded me of the group sessions we did at Hazelden. A lot more constructive cognitive help than you get at a typical AA meeting. I will definitely go back.
I have become increasingly disenfranchised with AA. I love the fellowship but I still cannot get through some of the doctrine, especially God/Higher Power piece. I wish I could be more spiritual because I see how beneficial it is to people, but I can’t seem to get there without a huge internal debate and argument. Being a lawyer in recovery sucks sometimes. I love my friends in AA and I love the fellowship. So I will keep going to my 3-4 meetings a week.
Well, that’s about it. Feeling pretty shitty about it. Then I feel better. Then shitty. I just want to get it. Why is it so hard?